No Baggage Allowed

Effective communication is about much more than merely conveying or receiving information. It is about understanding the intentions and emotions behind the message being delivered while being willing to listen in such a way as to gain the meaning behind what’s being said and make the other person feel heard and even understood. Instead, too often we fall short on one or both sides of the equation, generating misunderstandings, confusion, even conflict. 

It seems like effective communication should be something we just know how to do; that it would be instinctual.  However, when we communicate something often goes wrong.  We say one thing, but something different is heard. Effective communication draws upon the employment of several key skills: active listening, nonverbal communication such as body language and tone of voice, stress management and knowing how to respectfully assert yourself. 

Let’s take a look at active listening. Too often during conversations, or even written communications, we focus on what we should say instead of actually listening to what’s being said. Being an engaged listener means trying to understand the emotions and intentions the speaker/sender is conveying.  When you’re engaged, you hear the intonations, no matter how subtle, in someone’s voice that tell you how that person feels and the emotions or meaning they’re trying to communicate. Listening in this manner helps you better understand and makes that person feel heard and understood. It’s important for every party, senders and receivers, to be active listeners. 

So how do you become an engaged, active listener? The first step is to focus on the speaker. It’s basically impossible to listen in an engaged manner if you’re constantly thinking about something else or checking your phone. Stay focused in the moment and think about what’s being said. In fact, repeating words in your head can often help you concentrate on what is being said. 

Second step: don’t interrupt or try to redirect the conversation to you and your concerns.  Waiting for your turn to talk is not the same as listening. You can’t concentrate on what someone’s saying if you’re busy formulating what you’re going to say next. And remember, the person speaking can read your facial expressions and is able to recognize when your mind is elsewhere. Instead, show interest in what’s being said by nodding or smiling or maintaining open body language.

You don’t have to like someone or agree with them in order to effectively communicate. However, you do need to set aside judgement, blame and criticism in order to fully listen and understand. The third step is all about coming to the communication process without all the extra baggage. And when done well, difficult communications can lead to an unlikely connection being formed between the parties.